On February 14, 2019, Pat Arbor, the longest serving chairman in Chicago Board of Trade history (1993-1998), exchanged Valentine’s gifts with his ex-wife, one Antoinette Vigilante. Pat agreed to give an undisclosed sum in connection to the $18 million he owed in unpaid alimony in exchange for his release from Federal prison. Isn’t that lovely?
So how did a former math teacher turned futures wizard find himself at the mercy of a woman with the name of a bond villain’s sexy henchwoman? And why am I bringing it to your attention eleven days after the fact?
For one, it was Valentine’s Day when I started to write this. Also, it happens to be an interesting rags to riches to disappearing off the face of the earth tale of a man who politicked his way to the top of one of the world’s top financial exchanges only to give it all up in order to avoid paying his nutty ex wife half his money. You know, something a lot of men can relate to. And I promise there’s some smut at the end of the rainbow.
“OK Pug, we’ll take your word on it.”
Thanks, guys. So…
Pat Arbor attended Loyola University Chicago and became a math teacher upon graduation. After a few years, he decided to try his hand at trading and becomes an independent trader at the CBOT in 1965. He winds up being successful for a long enough tenure to eventually be elected to the board of directors in 1982, after which he goes on to become the vice chairman from 1986-88 and later the chairman from 1993-1998. He is credited with modernizing the open outcry trading rooms and later leads the charge towards integrating electronic trading into the futures and options market, which are solely responsible for the success of the exchange in the 21st century.
“You going to tell us anything we can’t find out from wikipedia, Pug?”
Yes, now we turn to my sources at the Daily Beast, Chicago Sun-Times, and the trading floor rumor mill. Around the time he becomes chairman of the board, Pat decides to marry this Antionette Vigilante broad. Tale as old as time, old rich dude marries hot blond lady much younger than himself, after ten years of marriage she demands he stop cheating, he says ok hon, sure, then starts smuggling money out of the country to all of the usual hiding money from the USA havens (Switzerland, Grand Caymans, etc.) Ten years later she demands a divorce because the cheating didn’t stop (shocking, I know) and he goes and pulls a move I’m sure every one of us has thought of when your wife is on your ass for having too many beers and gambling and what have you: He renounces his US citizenship and decides he’d rather live out his life as a fugitive in Italy with his millions than have to give that bitch a cent. (Ok, so maybe us average Joe’s plans are not quite as elegant. My plan is to escape to Mexico and live in a hut with $50k and a bag of blow. There’s actually a lovely song about such a paradise.)
Ok, now that we’re jamming out to the lovely island sounds of Ween, let’s hit the home stretch. Pat decides in May of 2018 that he wants to go to his grandson’s graduation in the USA. Basically slaps a fake mustache on and figures Whitey Bulger does it all the time, why can’t I? Well, I don’t think Whitey had a psycho ex wife who would rather see him rot in jail than not get her money. Antoinette catches wind of Pat being stateside, calls the feds, tells them ol’ Pat is in Boston and not only does he owe her a bunch of money, but he also owes the feds millions in unpaid taxes. Feds love when they find out millionaires have money that they can steal so they swoop in and arrest Pat.
So, fast forward to Valentine’s Day 2019, Pat and Antoinette come to terms and he is let out of jail and all is well in the world. So why are we still here? Well, it turns out Pat’s daughter posed for The Women of the Ivy League article in the October 1995 issue of Playboy and I couldn’t not share that with you guys.
There’s a link to the full issue below. Kind of funny how a bunch of fatties protested Playboy’s presence by running around the Princeton quad naked. I guess some things never change?
https://the-eye.eu/public/Books/PlayBoy/Playboy%201995/10%20-%20October%201995.pdf
Sorry your Valentine’s gift is 11 days late. Now you know what it’s like to be my wife.
-Better late than never Pug
Ps. I’ve been getting friends issues of Playboy from the month they were born recently and it’s been a real hit. Easy to find on amazon if you’re looking to brighten a brother’s day.
pps. more Ween jams https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PAzqBUNlCs
White Trash Day Dreams 