Judging by the four inches of snow we’ve received on this lovely Masters Sunday, winter is here. Tiger Woods is making the push for his fifth green jacket, so hell has also frozen over. While the thought of Tiger walking up to the eighteenth green in Augusta with a two stroke lead brings a tear to my eye, all I can think about are the last seven episodes of GoT. “But Pug, there’s only six episodes this season, you stupid drunk asshole.”
Yes, you’re correct that I’ve been missing for several weeks on a Lentin bender (that’s how Lent works, right? Drink every day for forty days and forty nights?) but I am aware that there are six episodes LISTED for the final season of GoT. So please sit back, pour yourself a stiff drink or four, and prepare to get on my level as I drop some “A Song of Ice and Fire” conspiracy theories that’d make Mulder and Scully Blush.
Let’s get the easy one out of the way. I think we can all agree that Bran is the Night King. While betting odds are currently against this opinion (+300 yes/ -400 no) my thoughts are more based on the Back to the Future “if you meet yourself while time traveling, the universe could implode” theory and the bet may not pay on technicality. I think this because Bran seems unable to appreciate the dangers of his powers as the Three Eyed Raven, though I’m sure he’s come to appreciate them more after a friend held the door for him.
I think we’re going to learn that the dude who the Children of the Forest turned into the first white walker was one of the first Starks of Winterfell. At some point this season we will see Bran warg into this guy in a desperate last attempt to stop the Night King. He’ll go back in time as the army of the undead is surrounding him at Winterfell and try to warn them of the unforeseen intentions of creating a Frankenstein that will inevitably end the world, and then they won’t listen on the account of the fact that men say lots of things when trying to avoid elven fairies turning them into a zombie monster. Then, present time Bran will turn into a white walker himself or maybe he’ll just vanish, idk, or we’ll have some paradoxical two white walker Brans running around? While this is the most likely of my theories to come true, I’ve probably spent the least amount of time thinking about how or why this will happen. Maybe I’ll eat an edible and meditate on it for a few hours, but I don’t really have that kind of time today, sooooo…
Ok, as I’ve made clear that I don’t know how Bran is the Night King (but would bet a nut on it coming to fruition) I also don’t really know when in the season this shit will go down. I do think Bran’s conversion to the Night King 2.0 will have to coincide with the battle for Winterfell. Judging by the previews, all of the dead Starks in the tombs will rise and Arya will have to fight an headless Eddard Stark corpse (grammatically, you’re supposed to use an in front of an H word. I know it sounds weird but on a rare occasion we care about grammar around here. Moving on…) I mean, that’d be pretty rough on anyone, but I’m pretty sure it’ll be an afterthought when she is forced to seek therapy later in life. You know, when her husband Gendry gets sick of all of the PTSD Faceless Man shit. Oh, yea, Gendry and Arya totally get hitched. This whole story is about the past repeating in the present and these two will fulfill the Baratheon + Stark alliance that put a start to this war. I know, she was a little girl when they met and it’s kinda weird, but at least he’s not her sibling. Or uncle…
What will happen with Jon Snow and Daenarys now that they’ve banged? Well, I always thought that Dany was going to be infertile after birthing her dragons, but Jon undoubtedly has a strong seed, being blood of the dragon and all, and very well could have knocked Aunty Daeny up while they were banging on that boat. So, knowing this, what would Daeny do if there is a major battle and she has the only heir to the Targaryen bloodline kicking in her cooze? My humble opinion is she doesn’t fight. Jon faces the Night King alone thinking he is The Prince That Was Promised, then he loses to the army of the dead. Now, the Night King not only has the supposed savior to man kind in his army, he also has that dude’s dragon.
Let’s clarify, this is all taking place over the course of five episodes. We still have Clegane bowl, shit going on across the realm, lots of loose ends, etc. I’m thinking that Jon dies end of episode five, maybe beginning of six. Then, Daeny flees to King’s Landing with her dragon and the dragon that was laid after Drogon and Rhaegal banged because you know if the mounts of dragons are banging then the dragons they mount are concieving fire breathing offspring as well. The plan is to regroup with the Lanister army and make a final stand at King’s Landing. But, Cersei betrays them (SHOCKING, I know) and chooses to be the bride of the Night King and rule Westeros at his icy side. Daeny’s child is carried across the narrow sea with the dragon egg by whoever is still alive (assuming Jamie, Tyrion, Arya, Sansa, Gendry, Vareys, maybe some others, etc.) and she fights them herself atop Drogon and perishes. Worst ending to the greatest show ever.
AND THEN two weeks from the final episode we will be given episode seven. Why? Bc that’s how GoT fucks, with the number seven. 7. There will be a final battle where the son of Daeny and Jon, the Prince That Was Promised, Azor Ahai himself, will fly into a freezing cold, zombie infested Westeros and save the fucking world.
I’m sure you’re saying to yourself “this is all completely wrong and a scary insight into the warped mind of a sad, drunk man. But what does the death of the coolest motherfucker in a galaxy far far away at the hands of his son have to do with your drunken ramblings?”
Well, let me tell you a story. There I was, December 2015, hadn’t been on the internet for several days in order to avoid any spoilers for “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” A few hourse before my wife and I went to see the film, I decided to have myelf. I got adventurous, browsed around, and landed on a video in which a starlett I’d never seen made quite the impression on me. I went straight to the comments on the video in hopes someone whould reveal her name, and sure enough, someone was kind enought to write, “Her name is Stella Cox. And Han Solo dies.”
The night is dark and full of terrors, folks. Valar Morghulis.
-Sir Pug
P.s. I also think Jamie, Cersei, and Tyrion are bastards of the Mad King, for what it’s worth.
White Trash Day Dreams 