WuHan Virus Ain’t Nothin’ to Fuck With: An Intro to Disaster Prepping

Alright, so I’ve already broken the first rule in disaster prepping fight club.

In the event of a global pandemic/anarchist rebellion/zombie apocalypse and you show up without a prior invitation to the Pug safe house, I will shoot you dead. And furthermore, I’m sorry if you are invited but show up without your three prerequisite items described in your invite to enter the Casa Pug Doomsday Party. You are also dead.

Ok so enough about shooting you. If you’ve ever read a survivalist blog or the looney bin that ishttps://www.reddit.com/r/preppers/ , you’ll quickly learn that nine out of ten people into prepping think (hope?) their neighbors will be breaking down their doors trying to get their food and rape their wives, and they’ll have a glorious standoff with “the free shit army” and all of those illegals where they prove that they really did need that $2,000 AR-15, body armor, and night vision goggles…

While I fundamentally agree with these people when it comes to citizen’s right to bear arms (see https://whitetrashdaydreams.com/2019/08/05/a-sane-compromise-for-more-gun-control/) I try to avoid sounding like a guy who wants to shoot his ill prepared starving neighbors in order to thin the herd and create a more prosperous human race. I at least have the self awareness that my half-tard booze bag genes are not going to strengthen the heard, though I appreciate my aunt’s insistence that hard drinkers are more likely to survive disease because our blood is constantly toxic.

I’m starting to ramble so I’ll get to my point. Are weapons cool and necessary to defend your home and family when the SHTF? Of course! But it seems all of the awesome end of times pandemic guidelines focus on said weapons and gadgets and are just trying to sell expensive shit to poor people who will never need them. Hey idiots, why do you need $4,000 worth of weapons and ammo if you never bought the shit you’ll be protecting!

So, here we go folks, my guide to the important shit you all need to go out and buy ASAP (like really, if you’re my friend I’ll be mad if I have to shoot you). All signs point to this thing blowing up globally by mid March, so go get this shit bought before then so we can talk on our CV walkie talkies this summer when they aren’t letting anyone leave their houses.

1. WATER

Humans can supposedly last three days without water. Let’s not find out if that’s true. I’m fortunate enough to live in the Great Lakes region where this shit is plentiful, so I feel comfortable having 15 gallons stored for my family of three knowing I can use water purification tabs and two life straws if shit were to get crazy and I had to start going down to the river for water. I also have shit set up in case I need to boil water, and have plans to set up a water capture system this summer so I can water my garden with free rain water.

-1 case water per person

-1 life straw per person

-2 bottles water purification tabs

-1 camping stove for emergency water boiling + propane

2. FOOD

I have what I think of as my layers of food shortage defense. First, I’ve got on average 5 days of food in the fridge and pantry. Leftovers, food for planned meals, bread, fruits and veggies and shit. So go through that first. Second, you’ve got the stuff in your freezer and pantry that you use regularly. Frozen burritos and pizzas, dry pasta and canned sauce. All the shit you typically have on hand in case you’re feeling lazy and want a quick meal. That’s my second defense. Third, I have my deep freezer with all of my meats and shit that I stock up on. This is only third because we’re talking bugging in for Wutang virus. If the power goes out, this shit is gonna go bad and it’s a non factor.  Now we’re talking about adding a generator but that’s a different level and we’ll talk about that later. But if the power is on then this is your chance to have a nice meal when shit is bad, fire up a steak, indulge in a lobster tail, make that corned beef or just fry up some fish sticks. Big moral booster if it doesn’t start rotting on day three in July. Next, you’re gonna move into your canned and dried goods. First, buy a giant bag of white rice and put it in a 5 gallon bucket. Get dried lentils and garbanzo beans and store em in your pantry. Try to go through these as needed and replenish when halfway gone. I try to buy the shit I use often in bulk when it’s on sale and then I’ll buy a new can immediately when I use one. So I start out buying 2 cans of garbanzo beans every time I need garbanzo beans until I have 7 cans, then I use the one with the closest expiration date and buy a new one next time I’m at the store. I have acquired a taste for sardines, spam, and canned tuna just because of their high nutritional value and their ease of storage. You’re final defense is MRE’s (Meal Ready to Eat). I haven’t eaten any of the ones I have but it’s supposed to taste like shit and last forever. If you don’t have enough food after my list and a box of MRE’s per person then you’re a fat useless fuck.

-frozen foods

-canned vegetables

-canned meats

-dry grains and beans

-1 box MRE per person

3. Booze

You gotta have emergency booze. It’ll keep you sane when the times get tough and also you can trade it. Pick your favorite hard liquor, buy a case of it, hide it till the end of times.

-6 bottles of booze

Next post we’ll go over the fun stuff, the gear that you’ll use if society decays after all the fringe stuff I’m reading about this being a bio-engineered virus that tricks your immune system into attacking your body the second time you contract it is true.

Until then, please at least go and buy a bunch of canned veggies and tuna, along with a case of water for each person in your house and a handle of your favorite booze. I’ll rest a lot easier knowing it’ll be a few weeks before I have to shoot any of you.

-Pug the Prepper