Howdy Partner

There’s a new sheriff in town and I’m done playing ball with a certain group of people.

*Don’t worry, Israel and Palestine. I’ve yet to choose a side in your beef.*

What we’re here to discuss is a phrase that has entered our lexicon in the past few years (particularly in the hamlet I now reside in that identifies as Seattle) that I’ve grown quite tired of. It first reared it’s head many moons ago as a defiant term utilized by our gay brethren in protest of their inability to enter the crippling burden of unholy matrimony. They would have to refer to the man/woman who they wished to be their husband/wife as their “partner.”

*Incredibly rich and famous black men, however, excaped such oppression and were legally allowed to marry 3/5 of themselves*

As we’ve achieved such wonderful progress and men can marry men and the such, there are many who have now adopted the term partner to refer to their significant other, regardless of whatever they are in fact married to, cohabiting with, or entering into a timeshare with a rescue cat with said person. Much to the confusion of anyone with half a brain.

Half a brain? At least *I still know what a woman is, Harry*!

Please, let me explain why my bigoted pea brain is so fixated on this subject and why I will be taking a stand against it going forward. So, last night we were at a neighborhood block party with our tight knit neighborhood crew and our respected feral children. We started chatting with a couple who is soon expecting a child, and the female WIFE of my male friend introduced him as her PARTNER. Like I’m just sitting there and wondering whether or not he had a sex change or now identifies as a lesbian or what other slander against his manhood she may be alluding to.

It was a giant distraction. If he was a former woman now identifying as a man, wouldn’t it be OFFENSIVE if THEY were referred to as a partner, and not a wife? What if he was just an incredibly handsome woman, and was in fact his wife’s wife who was born a woman but now looks like a man? Wouldn’t it be offensive to not refer to her as a WIFE after all of those hard fought years of simple partnership have been overcome and now achieve the sanctity of marriage? Isn’t that a setback?

It’s none of the above and I am as deeply offended as these people pretended to be when I had the audacity to introduce the mother of my children as MY WIFE (who happens to hate me.) What it is is attention seeking cultural appropriation by bored, liberal douchebags attempting to jerk themselves off and prove how thoughtful and progressive they are when in fact they don’t fucking care about anyone but themselves. They just want to appear to care and be progressive. Furthermore, it is also an aggressive action of control to try to control my own speech and how I think of and refer to my family! No one tells me what to do and if you get aggressive you’d better buckle the fuckup because I will smack your faggy ass so far back you’ll be driving a car that runs on fossil fuel. So, as a true ally to everyone everywhere to anyone but these people, I will not be partaking in these shenanigans. I encourage all of you to partner up with me in responding to anyone who introduces their partner with the simple question, “and what exactly is it that you’re partners with?” You’ve earned the right to be just as offended at their attention seeking vagueness as the offense they feign at your own implied ignorance.