So a few years ago my wife ordered an outlandish amount of pizza from a local joint for our son’s first birthday party. She placed the order in advance via their catering portal online, I asked her how much it was, she didn’t know, maybe $200? I was like ouch ok whatever hon gotta feed our guests. I arrived to pick up our food and was shown a $500 tab for pizzas. Now the fallout from that “idk, maybe 2.5x more than it really was“ convo isn’t why we’re here, but I could go on and on about it some other day if I want a divorce.
No, the reason you’re nodding your head as you try to get away from this ranting lunatic is because the owner had the fucking audacity to contact my wife and tell her SHE was an asshole because HER HUSBAND didn’t leave a tip on the $500 pizza order he picked up himself from a completely empty restaurant on a Sunday at noon. Obviously the girl I slipped a $20 to for helping me carry all this shit out to my car didn’t share her earnings with the crew (which she shouldn’t have) but holy fuck what do you expect out of me when I just bought $500 worth of pizza? Especially when you flip an illegible second generation iPad around to me after I tap my card with tip choices of 18%, 20%, and 25%. Your restaurant was so fucking empty that your only server on duty helped me carry my shit to the car, and even she had the dignity to refuse my tip twice before I insisted! And then you contact my wife for my behavior and shamed her for not giving you an extra $100? FOR WHAT??What a fucking unhinged lunatic.
Like when I get 18% as my lowest choice in any of these transactions I have at coffee shops, food trucks, or counter service restaurants I just tip 0. It’s just baffling to me how a tip can be requested BEFORE you receive your items and when there is no actual server. At that point it’s just fucking extortion, it’s a threat to spit in your $15 burrito if you don’t hand them an extra $3.
And it’s not like it’s some bubbly, hot, 99% naked bakini barista who will bend over to show you she’s got an accessory sticking out of her balloon knot…
It’s usually just a fat sweaty guy wearing too small of a shirt threatening to spit in my food, and if it’s not that it’s some 23 year old chick with a nose ring giving me a death stare as she says the iPad is “going to ask me some questions” which I have the choice of clicking one button to give her the money she thinks she deserves because she hates her dad, or clicking like 4 buttons of shame that clearly mean I’m not tipping or tipping less than 18%, which implies that I’m either too poor to tip or a rich asshole who won’t. I think I need to just take a stand and only tip when I sit down at a restaurant from here on out and tell them i plea the fifth if their iPad needs to “ask me some questions.”
And it’s clearly not gotten better, as some attendees of said 1st birthday party that featured $500 of pizza that I didn’t tip on shared this with me:
Apparently there’s a wave of restaurants extorting customers of money rather than just raising their prices. I mean, these wonderful redditors are summing it up pretty well
And I hate to get too meta and loop back to my most recent post, but we’re clearly in a recession/depression and have been for at least 4 years and this kind of shit is a symptom of a greater problem. These businesses cannot raise their prices fast enough to cover rising cost margins so they’re attempting to extort and back door their customers and willing to risk their loyalty in order to just stay alive. Sorry this took a turn and we’re not ending on s high note, maybe I’ll use my minuscule platform to build upon my thoughts I brought up when my wife asked if i wanted yo watch Oppenheimer the other night.
Goodnight boys
-nuke denier Pug
P.s. here B.H. some bikini baristas for your time
White Trash Day Dreams 